Owner of Nothing · Form N‑1
The Manual
Everything you need to know about the Nothing you now own, and how best to do nothing with it. Please read it in full. It will not take long.
1. Before you begin
Congratulations on your Nothing. Please check that you have received the following:
- One (1) certificate, numbered
- Nothing else
If both items are present, your Nothing is complete and no further action is required. If the second item is missing, you have received something, and you should contact us immediately.
2. Installation
Your Nothing requires no assembly, no tools, no batteries and no shelf. It arrived already installed and has been working since before you bought it.
Some owners choose to print the certificate and hang it. This is permitted but makes no difference. Others forward it to a colleague who will not find it funny. This is also permitted.
3. Care and maintenance
Nothing is maintenance‑free. It cannot be scratched, lost, broken, drained, outgrown, left in the rain or taken by somebody else. It does not need charging and will not ask you to update it.
Your number is yours permanently. It is not reissued, recycled or given to anybody else, and we never publish who holds which number. Nobody will know you own Nothing unless you tell them.
4. How best to do nothing
This is the part most owners get wrong, so it is worth being precise. Doing nothing is not the same as doing something undemanding. Scrolling is something. Tidying is something. Half‑watching a programme while answering a message is two things.
Doing nothing properly, in the sense your certificate entitles you to:
- Sit down somewhere you are not needed.
- Put the phone in another room. Not face down. Another room.
- Set no timer, but expect about ten minutes.
- Do not resolve anything. If a thought arrives that requires action, let it queue.
- Stop before it starts to feel like an achievement.
The first two minutes are usually unpleasant and the discomfort is the point: it is the sensation of a habit going unfed. After that it tends to be quite nice. You are not doing this to become more productive afterwards. If it makes you more productive, that is a side effect and slightly beside the point.
Nothing is the only purchase you have made this year that asks less of you every day you own it.
5. Troubleshooting
| Symptom | Likely cause | Remedy |
|---|---|---|
| Nothing is happening | Correct operation | None required |
| Something is happening | Unrelated to this product | Deal with that separately |
| I cannot find my Nothing | You are looking for it | Stop looking. It is where it was. |
| My Nothing feels smaller than expected | Expectation error | Reduce expectations to zero |
| Somebody says my Nothing is worthless | They are right | Agree with them warmly |
| I want more Nothing | Nothing is infinite and never runs short | Buy another, or simply want less |
| I have lost the certificate | A file has gone missing. The Nothing has not. | Ask us and we will send it again |
6. Technical specification
7. Warranty and disposal
Nothing cannot fail, so there is nothing to warrant. It confers no rights and creates no obligations, which is printed on the certificate and is meant literally.
Should you wish to dispose of your Nothing, do nothing. It will remain exactly as it is and trouble no landfill. There is no need to tell us.
8. Support
If something about your Nothing is genuinely wrong, a real person reads the contact page and will sort it out. The questions page covers the honest details: what you get, what you do not, and how refunds work.
Form N‑1. Instituted MMXXVI. This manual is itself of no consequence.